The Mind gone to Waste

Day Fifty Three: The Wind Card

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

-Irish Prayer

I was really fortunate to bring this kind of full circle with this card and more importantly with the quote that I really enjoyed. This was the poem that we sung in my high school choir in a benefit concert for a fellow student that passed away due to cancer. It’s really unfortunate that she passed, but the poem/choir piece was beautiful and hoped that she heard it from a heaven (if she believed in one). May she be peaceful.

Also, what came out of my showmanship was my outgoing nature. The winds of change brought me to be who I am, and I’m pretty glad that I got to develop all that I have, I want to further push my self and others. I’m a pusher (mean girls FTW). I want to inspire others to challenge themselves. It’s ok to be uncomfortable. There’s only the world to fear, either way, it’s not going to be impressed or upset with what you do, so make a fool of yourself and entertain your own mind.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

-Dr. Seuss

And here’s a pic of me noming on the beach :P

It’s definitely been a pleasure doing this challenge, and kudos to those that stuck around and read a few. I hope y’all enjoyed it as much as I have!

Day Fifty Two: The Power Card

Power of the mind

Kudos to you if you can find me taking my Organic chemistry final. One of my friends, who was also a TA for the class, took a pic while i was going through mechanics and reactions. Power has a lot of definitions, but I think the strongest kind of power is the human will. We are all human, but I think that we are all intrinsically given an amount of human will, how much one person is willing to endure is different from another.

Events that push the human will beyond all extremes are wars, epidemics, strikes, etc. But personal situations may test the will to live/succeed. Example are rape, diets, working out, workloads, eating disorder (overcoming them).

Iono, the human will has been on my mind a lot lately, it determines the will-dos and and won’t do’s, there is no half assing anything.

Day Fifty One: The Mist Card

May the mist land on your eyes and shatter every dream.

This is me being an Asian tourist during the Students of Color conference this year in UCSB. There’s no mist. I looked through every picture that I own, no fucking mist anywheres. -_-. But might as well next to a body of water, it’s just not in the air.

Mist are a representation of memories. They’re small, but when we get caught in the mist, we feel each and everyone. I think the earliest memory that I can remember is when my parents were still together. I was going around the kitchen island, headed for the fridge. My father was washing the dishes at the time, and looking out over the hillside view. It was within those few seconds that my mother’s voice blared overhead stating that my father did something wrong. My father retorted with a few of his angry words. I quickly left the kitchen and hid in my room and waited for them to finish fighting. It was then that I knew they were not going to make a happy home together.

But now, I get to live in two happy homes, one with my mom, the other with my father.

Day Fifty: The Maze Card

Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we learn to walk

- Cyril Connolly

Confusion and puzzles are analogous to mazes. I really like a good puzzle; getting my hands and mind deep in a puzzle is comforting to me. But there must be the premise that there exists a conclusion. An infinite puzzle definitely gets me upset and just plain frustrated. I continually like different challenges being thrown at me. Versatility in challenges makes the mind/heart/spirit/body grow fonder. You know a little bit more of yourself through every struggle you face. I don’t know where I’m going with this post… but I LIKE PUZZLES WITH A PURPOSE!

Day Forty Nine: The Nothing Card

(My friend’s set didn’t have it :(…)

I have nothing, Nothing, NOTHING, If I don’t have youuuuuuuuu

-Whitney Houston

It’s a ball of nothing. Antimatter FTW

Things that I don’t regret for 500 please? :P

This is one of the harder ones…. I sit here and really all I see are meaningless words and a blinking line for what my next letter would be.

Nothing. What does nothing mean to me. Ah-HA!

It’s the negative space of life. It’s what makes us appreciate life more because of it’s blandness. It’s those days I spend bored with my friends, being idle, just letting time pass. It’s the days where all I do is just spending time practicing on the piano by myself. Nothing is reading by myself for hours at a time. Nothing is taking care of the garden while breathing in the clean/dirty LA air. It’s the negative space in life and the stuff life is made of. Sure we have times when we go out and act crazy, partying, going to events, even sexual encounters, but it’s studying in the library that we’re most of the time caught at. It’s the cold and bitterness of the nothing that creates this hyperpolarization of the “good” stuff of life. It’s the heart break to every love. It adds dimension to life. I love you nothing. <3

Day Forty Eight: The Wood Card

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows,
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart, i carry it in my heart.

-E.E. Cummings

Twas a picture of when I went vacationing and my mother and I hiked. This tree was to beautiful not to take a picture of.

I was going to talk about my garden, but that’s already been discussed…

The tree/wood is a symbol of security. I would like to think that I have a great network of people to talk about my problems. My most important safety net that I have to rely on is my mother and my cousin. I tell them things that I have been personally been going through, fundamental things that change me. The next level are my best friends, I take their considerations seriously when I need outside viewpoints. The next tier of my network would be my a capella family, I let them into deep things in my life, but rather just to discuss, not so much for advice. They relieve my stress and advice on big projects throughout the day. Then I have a small tumblr community that keep in contact with (y’all know who you are), I feel that sometimes I can tell some secrets to tumblr people better than friends, in a way, I put trust that I may sometimes never see someone, but they are still listening. Trust is important (just thought I would randomly put that in there). Then it’s the LGBT community, ASPB, Honors. I have a lot of places where I can vent to, or just need a change of pace/professionalism. I’m glad to establish myself in various places, just hope that I didn’t spread myself too thin.

Day Forty Seven: The Wave Card

Oh plunge me deep in love — put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind.

- Sarah Teasdale

This is part of my most favorite poem, titled “I am not yours”.

I don’t know why I chose this pic, but I like it :)

I like the beach, but I personally do not like the southern California beaches, they’re too cold. I think the perfect beaches are on the other side of Baja California or Vietnam shores; they are amazingly warm! If y’all ever get the chance GO! I remember skinny dipping in Vietnam. Things to do in life: GO SKINNY DIPPING. It’s definitely a liberating experience and the thrill of having no clothes/rule breaking is also a fun experience.

The wave is also a huge waves of emotion that I randomly get once in a while. Recently, I been adding more and more things to this list. These may not be positive or negative emotions, but just something that has a big Richter scale of my heart (no particular order):

• Old couples that have stayed with each other for decades
• An innocent laugh from a toddler
• Sappy love stories of a stupid bitch being needy
• Someone loses faith in another person/humanity/themselves
• There is a cause worth fighting for
• Waking up with exactly the right number of hours of sleep

But sadly, these are not things that make me feel any passionate emotions stirring in me:

• passing of a loved one
• the birth of a child

Day Forty Six: The Cloud Card

Every grey cloud has a silver lining

I spell grey that way, leave me lone!

I hope you can see the silver lining to the pic I took! ^_^

My outlook on life is typically a very pessimistic/realistic one. I do have an expectation that I like to meet, so I guess a bit of an optimist as well? When faced with a project I like to get really creative with the project but also know what is physically feasible with the amount of time/money I have/ worth of the project. I weigh the options onto how much effort I have to put into it.

I approach problems with a realistic sense (how it makes sense to me, and how it makes sense to others in a short terms sense, and how the outcomes effect me and others in the long run). If the problem or situation involves other people, I immediately look at it from a pessimists point of view. I seldomly expect people to work efficiently because, let’s face it, the majority of people are innately lazy.

As for when I am an optimist, which are far and few in between, are when it deals with romantic relationships. Then my brain comes in and says “fuck you, squash that idea”. Then the pessimist sinks in. Oh well. Pessimism and jadedness ftw

Day Forty Five: The Firey Card

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” - Buddha

Side note: guess what I gotttt??????

This was a quote that I thought about when fire popped in my head. Though it’s not going to relate to anything I’m going to be talking about. I relate fire with passion. Passion. What does it mean to you? I have had a grappling with its definition throughout my whole life. What does it mean to be passionate? I think I have found that passion is not necessarily a good thing nor a bad thing. It can be used to help society or to help the self. Passion is definitely a very broad term and can be applied to basically anything. I don’t understand people that just say that are a passionate person. Everyone is passionate, it’s just if that passion is geared to anything specific.

Passion was something that I attempted to find in myself in high school and surreptitiously through college. High school was a really easy time for me; the classes were not hard, AP was always fun. Junior year was where I started applying myself to clubs, and in senior year I got to be officer and proactively put myself into leadership positions. I didn’t see it so much as a passionate thing, but rather an obligation. I felt like I needed it to do it to reach an end; that end was college. I didn’t put any heart into my activities. What I did put passion into, reflecting back on it, is my passion for singing, piano, and sign language. I still keep up with all those passions today.

College has definitely made me realize that different environment it is from high school. It’s a whole other beast. Let’s just say, I know what passion is, and typically it shows really well in things that you love doing. It makes things seem effortless, though the people outside would call you crazy for doing it. I have found my passion in my job, but also, in reflection, feign being a peer mentor. I love the positions, but I feel that someone can do a better job. My passion is getting my ideas out there- sometimes even stubbornly so; though it hurts that I can’t be the best person to mentor people through their experiences. :\

Day Forty Four: The Erase Card

Erase me and strip me of my self.

This eraser is the shit, just sayin.

I am a man without any true regrets. I don’t want to erase any part of my past, it makes me who I am today, and I’m pretty happy with who I am today. I’ve come a far way. Moving to different places, parents divorcing, sexual exposure at a young age, coming out, bullying, coming out of my shell, outreaching to those that need help, iono. I have chosen to empower myself and do something for others if they need it.

I also personally want to erase the problems of other people. I don’t know how to react to when people tell me something sad (they were sexually abused, they failed an exam, they were cheated on) but I feel that if I could do something about it, I would. Hell, even if I can’t do anything about it, I still formulate ways where I can try. Tell me your problems and I will listen.

Day Forty Three: The Dream Card

Sweet dream or beautiful nightmare.

I’m obviously NOT sleeping -_-.

This past week was like the nightmare after the dream. the storm after the calm in my life. I just don’t know what to make of a lot of things anymore. The balance in my life seems to be out of whack, the juggler is slowly losing control and I can’t seem to handle the same work load that I used to. Was I ever used to it? I feel like giving up on some dreams. They hurt too much to entertain sometimes. I don’t want to go on. Kill this dream along with it’s hopes of happiness, fulfillment, and belonging. I dream of **** but, it’s only for the lucky.

Day Forty Two: The Light Card

Lux Aurumque.

This is easily one of the best pieces by Eric Whitacre (my favorite choir composer).

This is a candle that’s floating in the Hue river at night. Myth/tradition says that (correct me if I’m wrong) Wishing on a candle and setting it on the Hue river apparently makes it true. This is was a fun experience for me. Going back to where my mother is from makes me more aware of who she came to be. The food was also amazing. There was not only a light on that candle, but also a light that was shown on my mother’s past, the one that she had fled from in fears for her life.

Day Forty: The Time Card

If I could turn back toioioime - Jack McFarlan.

Today, I’ll be recollecting on my college experiences. One big thing that I found having a fun time having was attending conferences at other college campuses. This is only second to retreats. I really do enjoy seeing different campuses and how they compare to UCRiverside. The first one that made me look at my identity in a much more critical way was the Western Regional Conference for LGBTQQIAA 2009, in UCSB. It was empowering to have conferences like this where a lot of like minded people can gather and discuss issues that plague our communities, whether it be external oppression or internalized hatred. It was a fun time. Here are the conferences I have been to throughout my college experience:

• Western Regional 2009, UCSanta Barbara
• QPOC Conference 2009, UCDavis
• Western Regional 2010, Cal Poly San Luis Obispo
• QPOC Conference2010, CSUSan Diego
• Q&A Conference 2010, UCBerkeley
• SOC Conference 2010, UCSanta Barbara
• The Sum of All Equals Change 2011, UCRiverside

Tentatively:

• ABC Conference 2011, UCLos Angeles
• Western Regional 2011, UCBerkeley
• QPOC Conference 2011, UCRiverside

Another time marker in my college would be the retreats that I go on. I mean it’s free food, learning new things, and getting to meet new people; it’s pretty much a win win for everyone. The first year of retreats, I was the one attending, and the second year I was the one facilitating. Here’s the list of one’s I been at:

• SUHP 2007
• SUHP 2009
• Common Ground Retreat 2010
• Leadershape 2010
• SUHP 2010
• Common Ground Retreat 2011
• Snow Camp 2011
• ASPB Retreat, Fall, Winter, Spring 2010, Fall, Winter, Spring 2011

ASPB retreat

Leadershape

Looking back at my life, I have definitely had a good time in college.

Day Thirty Nine: The Through Card

Wicked through and through.

Rather than say some experiences that I have been through, I kind of want to talk about the experiences that I can’t seem to surpass. I know that a lot of those that have experienced this along with me. I used to stay up night just wondering what is wrong with me? What do I keep doing wrong? and we read the sappy shit that makes us feel empowered for a night; most notably the apple analogy, how the good ones on the top and shit. Then you see your friends and their boyfriend/girlfriend. I got a bit envious. But I dealt with my shit. I became a damn good third wheel. I lived my romantic life through other couples.

I don’t know why, but one night, I went to a party - it was actually called ‘Bad Porno Night’, where we watched porn’s with horrible acting, it was awesome. I had a few drinks and that was the first night I was a sad drunk. I got really sad and locked myself in the room. The person living in the room opened the door and tried to comfort me. I just left the party with a couple that I came with to the party. I was crying in the car all the way back to my apartment. I ran to my apt and just had to address the hole in my heart. I cried myself to sleep that two years ago. Fin.