The Mind Gone to Waste

You will find the need for writing everyday. You are cold and people distance themselves from you and your words are the only other thing that can convinces them otherwise. They [your words] are cold and structured and convoluted. You will need to write to open your heart because it has been too long since you have loved. You will write when you don’t have the voice to sing your emotions away and all you will have is silence. You will write why you are alone and no one to turn to because of your coldness and you will write to  warm yourself out of the ice that you have imprisoned yourself in. It [writing] will always be there for you to play with but it’s the heart; your heart that needs to breathe once in a while and let go and be free. You have to try again. You will write because you will want to be happy and find a ways to save it, save it from the future, save it from the hands of time.

This was an assignment during my creative writing class; it was a letter to your future self on how writing can be a part of your future. I got very upset with myself, and just let go. This “power write” has made me acknowledged that I still have a lot of growing to do, and that I need to be more open. Steps to progress. One of my exes brought it to my attention that I have grown bitter and that it may be due to a deep seated issue. *sigh*

Is it wrong to want to hold him so closely?

i feel like i’m living a teenage dream :P

“that feeling of not knowing where you went wrong, or how you tried your hardest, and they still gave up. but what hurts more than losing is, is knowing that he’s not fighting to keep you.”

-vinniehatesyou

either that or fish sauce

*pat pat*

im just pissing off everyone today :\

GURL “LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES”

im happy when my exes are happy, and sad when my exes are sad. am i weird?

We’re so consumed with being the best at something, or having to be thinner than you already are. Why is it so hard to accept who you are? This world has too much self -indulgence and not enough self - acceptance. There are so many unhealthy stereotypes being in the society we are in.

I, myself, am caught in a cross hairs of discrimination. I am Asian, and I am also gay. Being Asian, we have the stereotype that we are silent people, the model minority, the “peace keepers”. We, recently, have been placed on the hierarchy of ascendancy to the ideal of whiteness. We assimilate into the white life, because our ancestors have ingrained into our minds that education and making a good salary job was what life was. We have become the feeders of the gilded American dream.

Being gay, we are forced higher into a bimodal stereotype. Either a high paying job with a partner, and again, assimilating into white supremists logic. The other side is that gays are seen as STD filled heathenistic child-molesters.

But the main topic is beauty. It is known that Asians are exotic and the stereotype of being thin/more petite than the “normal” frame. We’re already regarded as a smaller body than most people expect, thus why so many reports of Asians having eating disorders.

On top of that, being in the Gay community, being thin is key, or rather the stereotype is. Gay men are all supposed to have six packs, defined biceps, and a chest, and not have a ounce of fat on them. I joke about having a tic tac for thanksgiving.

Now polarize being gay AND Asian. The stereotype produces a vicious stereotype. In the downe-scene, many “gaysians” are typically very skinny, toned, shorter than the typical person. Don’t get me wrong, I admire these bodies as well, but it’s this  stereotypical perception of such a small community that leads to eating disorders. We are polarized from both the Asian community and the Gay community.

Now here I am, 5’11, not a typical Asian height, slightly more weight than the stereotype. I want to to 160, but I’m 180. I want to lose 30 pounds and gain 10 pounds of muscle. This is what stereotypes do to people. It has been so ingrained into my self that it has created MY self perception of beauty.

i dont know where the fuck im going with this…